I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
