i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
