Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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