I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
