Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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