Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
