i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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