i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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