THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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