and she was petting her beer can
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Randomize
