checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
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