when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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