you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
