Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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