My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Randomize
