Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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