I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
