Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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