DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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