Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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