update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
