So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
