My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
