If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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