Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Randomize
