I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
