that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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