You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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