____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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