Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
