If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
