Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
