There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
