She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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