So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Randomize
