We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
