Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
