You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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