Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
