I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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