He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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