the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
