There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
