On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
