mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
