I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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