Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
