3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
