I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
