I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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