Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We had to coat check the pizza.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
